Changing Tides
Have you ever had one of these moments? You’re merrily riding your float down the stream of familiarity, when you’re struck by a sudden jolt of knowing that the circumstances in your life have changed irrevocably. The very thing happened to me this afternoon when I sat at a coffee house with my lovely daughter Sasha, who entered my life a mere 13 years ago.
A seemingly short moment ago she was snuggly fitting into the crease of my arm, a little baby. There was so much love for this little life, but it took me a moment to accept and embrace myself as a mother who is responsible for a small precious life. Now that I’m happily living in the groove of it, I’m abruptly made aware that my daughter has outgrown her innocent childhood years, it’s not something she says or does, but the way she’s reflecting back at me. It’s time for me to look at re-orienting myself in my role as mother and caretaker.
I’m amazed, even now at the cusp of it, at what a unique, beautiful, accomplished and confident young woman she has become, and for the most part I have to say: All-by-herself! She grew and prospered, despite the mistakes I made as a parent, in certain cases maybe even because of my mistakes. Looking back at my mothering I think I worried too much and tried too hard. A perfectionist mindset comes with an array of side effects where the negatives definitely outweigh the positives. I would have saved myself a few grey hairs by letting go and accepting that we all learn as we go. Ultimately I did the best that I could with the tools that I had at my disposal at the time. I know most parents do, so if you’re feeling guilty for your own shortcomings, - don’t. Let’s be kind to ourselves, we are all human. Know that despite what might be projected outwardly all of us struggle with insecurities and self doubt. Mistakes we made in the past are what they are, accept the fact that we can’t turn back the clock. Looking at your child you will be amazed to find so many things that you have done right, not necessarily by pedagogy but purely by instinct.
Where to go from here? I’m glad that I get the opportunity to reflect on this shift in the relationship between my daughter and I. Time is fickle, it can pass us by on tiptoes, preventing us from noticing how things have changed. We like routine and feel comforted by known quantities. When I was growing up, I saw many parents who did not seize the moment in which to let go of their role as caretaker/educator. Therefore they constantly overstepped boundaries by being overly involved in their adolescent’s lives, often to detrimental effects. The youngsters would turn rebellious in an attempt to obtain their independence. Others failed to become autonomous and resilient adults (myself included), struggling with anxiety and co-dependence, enmeshed with the parental figures in their lives for years to come.
Anyhow, I digress… slowly but surely I’m looking at forging a new relationship with my teenager. I’m confident that we have built a foundation of mutual trust and respect, that we can build on in the future. It will be a turbulent time, no doubt. Letting go is hard, I can feel the resistance in my bones. How do I let her make her own mistakes? Have I really worked through my own shortcomings, fears and hurts enough to serve her as a support system rather than an interference? I understand that my focus should be on myself, tending to my own anxieties and judgements. She will come into her own, the metamorphosis has to be accepted as an interesting rollercoaster of success and failure, a path of trial and error upon which she will build her own personal portfolio of values and morals.
Every now and again I feel humbled by the realization, that we have never really ‘figured it out’. Life is one giant learning curve. We constantly stumble and fall, but the more often we manage to get back up the more we get to appreciate these obstacles as opportunities for growth, we stop to fear them, to compartmentalize, calling a situation ‘good’ or ‘bad’. Innately we always want to ‘protect’ our offspring from harm, but as they grow, we sometimes have to override our primal instinct and call out to our capacity for reasoning. As Ryan Holiday expresses it poignantly with the title of his book “The Obstacle Is the Way”. I came to accept that I won’t ever be a perfect parent nor that I’m supposed to be one. Now that I know how to raise a toddler I’m dealing with an adolescent, it means I will know how to do it perfectly after she’s left home for college. I’m raising an only child. This means I don’t get to apply my new found skills on younger siblings, but that’s not the point. I’ve come to understand that our children are as much our teachers as we are theirs. This knowledge enables me to be more lenient on myself and also towards the mistakes my own parents, their parents and their parent’s parents have made raising us all.
I will do my best to honor my daughter’s individuality, pull back so she can make her own mistakes and support her when she needs it. I will look at her not as my own but as an individual in her own right. Along the way I will mess up royally but I believe that eventually we’ll be able to let go of the dual nature of our relationship as teacher/student or student/teacher and remain supportive friends on equal footing who love and acknowledge each other for the beautiful human souls we are.
