“Little Girl”

I drew these two portraits a while ago. Over the years I’ve created numerous pieces of little girls (which I will share here soon), which, essentially, are self portraits; depictions of my own inner child, interrupted in the process of growing up. I’ve been dealing with crippling anxiety for over two decades. For many years before, it was lurking in the shadows, undetected, even by myself.

After finally breaking through to the little girl who lives in my subconscious mind without notion of space and time I can see what the inner child tried to express in these portraits: This girl here absorbs every detail of what’s going on around her, big eyes - tiny mouth shut. Sees, thinks but has no voice. She has no awareness that the world is hers too, to partake in, to contribute to. She doesn’t know that she lives without a ‘self’. Too serious for her age, she’s playing make believe. To the world she looks calm and collected, but is constantly scanning for signs of trouble, making sure to stay faultless, since any small misstep could bring her world tumbling down. There’s no safety net to catch her. Balancing on a tightrope, keeping up a perfect image most days, diligent in her actions, she’s growing tired… how much longer until she falls?

Symmetry is important to her, staying in balance. Her mind can swirl out of control, take over and pull her down the rabbit hole. She clings onto symmetry in an attempt to stay grounded, not to lose her earthly stance.

Looking for beauty in the smallest of details and the way colors harmoniously live side by side fills her with a deep sense of calm. Creating beauty keeps her going. Her voice expresses without words. The beauty in everything she encounters delivers the message that beneath the troubled surface of her life the waters run deep and still.

An inner stillness that keeps her at peace. Grounded. Comforted. Her aching heart feels like a most beautiful and precious thing. The beauty of all things, flower buds on the cusp of bursting into bloom, the vastness of the sky, raindrops on a window and frost coated autumn leaves are messengers reassuring her that all is well. Always has been and always will be.

This little girl has fortunately been allowed to grow up once the big girl finally acknowledged her. The dark and difficult times revealed themselves as blessings in disguise, offering the most beneficial learning opportunities she could ever have wished for. She now lives with the knowledge that everything is only transient and perceptions will change over time. A curse can be a blessing and a blessing a curse.