Child Within
I’m sure you’re familiar with the term ‘inner child’. For many years I had a vague idea of it, but it never dawned on me, that her well being had the most crucial impact on every aspect of my current quality of life. I tended to have more ‘pressing’ things to do than getting all ‘touchy-feely’ by re-connecting with an imaginary creature from 20 years ago. What I didn’t fully understand then: My inner child is acutely present in me at this very moment and a force that influences every aspect of my life.
There are multiple “I’s” living within us. Each one of them got stuck in time triggered by a certain experience. Just because our outer expression seems to grow up and mature doesn’t mean that we have moved on internally. Our subconscious mind has no sense of time at all. Anything that happened to us and left a mark is baggage we carry around with us 24/7. If there’s a 4, 12 or 20 year old in us with unresolved issues, he or she will keep kicking up a fuss until we hear them out. How many of us have labeled ourselves? Created a false belief system about who we are? We can be our own worst critics. Harsh and sometimes even brutal. Our self talk can be depreciating to an extent where we would be appalled to witness any living being talked at in such a way. Why do we call ourselves lazy, selfish, unreliable, stupid, ugly, weak, helpless or any other horrid thing? How does the 4, 12, or 20 year old feel when we constantly poke around the wound so it never has time to scab over and heal? And more importantly, who is that voice in our heads?
Years ago, I was convinced that the berating voice in my head who was telling me that I wasn’t ‘good enough’, was my own. Little did I know that it was not I, but merely a tape recording running in a loop. The voice came from my past, from various people in my environment that shaped how I now see and relate to myself and others around me.
So how did this belief system establish itself?
Every child is born pure , with unique talents and challenges. So were we. A baby needs food, warmth and shelter, but that’s not all. To thrive she needs lots of love, positive mirroring and acceptance. Unfortunately our caregivers and the world at large around us is filled with people who are all suffering their own hurts. Oftentimes they are not in a position to show up for us the way we need them to and to give us what we need to grow and blossom.
As an example that most of us can relate to: When you were little do you remember ever feeling unimportant or invisible because adults treated you like you were in the way or a nuisance? Have you ever felt ‘stupid’, because you didn’t understand a homework question and your parent lost patience with you? To a little child, an adult, especially a parental figure, embodies the most perfect all-knowing creature that walks the earth. When he is displeased or angry, he child naturally assumes that the fault lies within him. We rely upon the adult to guide the way, to teach us right from wrong and how to live on this earthly plane. At this young age we are like sponges, readily absorbing whatever we’re presented with. A pre-schooler doesn’t yet have the cognitive tools to recognize our caretakers shortcomings. So we believe them when they call us names or snap at us… uploaded and saved onto our hard drive. It’s up to us in present time to teach our inner child(ren), some more realistic and logical explanations or alternatives to a situation: When we felt treated like a nuisance we were likely behaving like perfectly normal curious, little people. Maybe the adults stressed out about a hard day at work and didn’t have enough patience to deal with you. Maybe they were plagued by internal resentment (their own inner child) and projected it onto you? Maybe a caregiver was physically or emotionally absent. That’s not your fault. As a cognitively well equipped adult we are able to re-investigate these past events and can start to give the inner child plenty of alternative storylines. We are now also capable of offering ourselves the parental compassion, love and understanding that we lacked.
“Be the adult that you needed when you were younger.”
According to the National Science Foundation about 80% of our daily thoughts are negative and 95% are repetitive. Which brings me back to the importance of letting go of negative self talk. These numbers illustrate that we are not living our lives, but interrelating new experiences to (mostly) painful memories of the past for the most part of our waking hours. What’s more is that these thoughts don’t change from day to day, they’re almost exclusively the SAME old thoughts that hijack our brains in a never ending loop! Repetitive thoughts saturate our subconscious mind and strengthen neural pathways, so these patterns are becoming more and more ingrained in our psyche. What we spend our time thinking about shapes the way we see and experience the world around us.
What a colossal waste of time you might say. It’s time to heal the myriad of hurt and pain our various inner selves have been living with for so long. If we don’t, we will keep projecting our suffering onto others (most notably our children) and spend our precious years on a virtual merry-go-round of suffering through the same pains over and over again. It’s important to understand that many of us deny ourselves the self love and care we need. I experienced this first hand, for years and despite severe mental health problems I didn’t think I deserved it. Why? Since I hadn’t endured a specific event that would be deemed ‘traumatic’ enough, I wasn’t allowed to admit to myself that I had been severely wounded. In many ways a problem is easier to pinpoint if there has been obvious trauma. A small trickle of water can, over time, wear away a rock. Small, repetitive negative experiences can accumulate over time and reinforce our view of the world and ourselves. There’s nothing ‘normal’ about having to live with low self esteem, a negative body image or just a general sense of ‘not enough’. It’s an epidemic, especially amongst us women, but it’s certainly not acceptable. It took me years to finally understand that losing a few pounds only masks my negative body image, being successful only masks my feeling of inadequacy. It’s not a cure, just a crappy band aid.
Luckily there’s now lots of research about the neuro-plasticity of the brain, meaning that there’s proof that the brain’s wiring can be altered by re-training our and modifying our thinking patterns. It takes some commitment, but as with everything else, with the right professional guidance, it will get easier the longer you stick with it.
A first step towards it is to try to create a little distance from our irrational impulses and reactivity by observing our behaviour. Life is a subjective experience. As Eleanor Roosevelt said: “Life is what you make it”. I don’t think this necessarily means we have to ‘make’ something of our lives in terms of success or prosperity. It’s about our attitude and how we deal with what life throws at us.
I’m not a psychologist and am only talking from my own personal experiences and findings. Hopefully some of this has given you some food for thought and may lead you to further investigation. It’s for all of us to walk our own path and to learn from the opportunities life offers us. Refrain from exclusively following a certain method, teacher or leader. There are a myriad of lessons and teachers out there who will step into your life when the time is right. Be open to receive them, your way is as unique and precious as you are yourself.
If you’re interested in delving deeper into this subject, I can recommend a great online workshop. Click on the link if you’d like to know more Re-parent your inner child by Lisa J Smith (I’m not sponsored nor is my intention to lure you into taking any specific course. It’s just a suggestion if you’d like to find out more. I’ve done this personally and found it helpful, that’s all ;-))
